You want to stay one day and the next day or hour you are ready to pack your bags and leave. What do you do when your relationship is too bad to stay and too good to leave? It’s easy to blame your partner instead of taking responsibility for your part in the relationship, or you may be staying in a relationship only for financial reasons or for fear of being alone. My preference is to make the relationship work, but I know that not all relationships can or should be saved. What do you do if your relationship is going south?
These questions all focus on things you can do. To make a relationship work takes two people but first consider what you can or are willing to do.
Twelve Things To Consider When Your Relationship Is Going South
1. Are you happy with yourself? It’s much easier to blame a partner for your unhappiness than to look inward and take charge over what you don’t like about yourself. Remember in a divorce whether with a significant other or a friendship, you still get custody of yourself? Maybe it time to get happy with yourself and put your relationship on a blame free diet.
2. Are you following your dreams and passions? Is your partner supportive of you or does the relationship feel one-sided? Are you supportive of your partner’s dreams and passions?
3. Are you stressed and overcommitted? Maybe it’s time for a self-care routine. Time to take care of yourself. When we feel better about ourselves. We have the energy to be better partners.
4. Are you being the kind of partner you want to be? Have you been short and cross or blaming and critical? Have you stopped looking for the good and only see those little things that drive you crazy? Do you listen to your spouse?
5. Does your Yes mean YES and your No mean NO? Your yes does not mean YES unless you are also free to say NO. Time to say NO. Maybe that good girl, people pleaser, perfectionist part of yourself is running the show.
6. Are you expecting too much of others? This is a tough one. Do you have an unconscious expectations of others that they should respond a certain way, appreciate or be grateful for something we have done.
7. Are you willing to ask for what you want? No, your partner, even your best girlfriend is not a mind reader. Despite what happens in those wonderful romantic movies, our partners do not always know what you want.
8. Do you take full responsibility for your part in the relationship? Most studies of both friendships and relationships show that both people feel they have given 60% and the other only 40%. Do you have both feet in or has a part or all of you already left the relationship?
9. Can you talk about finances, sex, and your dreams for the future? Relationships require honest and heartfelt communication. No secrets. What are you or your spouse not saying? What are those things you need or want to talk about but feel you can’t?
10. Are you partners? Do you feel like you are in this together and that you have each other’s backs? Relationships where both people feel respected and cherished have a much better chance of succeeding.
11. Are you allowing abusive controlling behavior or do you perpetuate abusive or controlling behavior? Would you want your daughter or son to be treated this way?
12. Is the relationship over? If the relationship is over, move on. Move on before, not after you are tempted to have an affair. No judgement here, it just makes life easier.
Now comes the biggest question of all. What would you and what would your spouse need to do differently to make this relationship work? To truly make the relationship work both of you must be willing to make changes. What would you be willing to do to keep your relationship from going south?
Deciding whether to say or go in a relationship can be the most important decision you make. Sometimes your spouse makes this decision for you, and you may or may not like his or her decision to divorce.
What to Do if Your Relationship Is Going South
Take some time to answer these questions honestly. The reasons people stay and leave relationships are often complex. Two great people can have a terrible relationship and just not be good together. Sometimes when relationships go south, they can be rekindled and sometimes they can’t.
If you’d like to talk more about whether to stay or leave as well as what makes a great relationship, give me a call. I’d love to talk.
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