How Do You Approach Life?

When we live life as a villain, victim or hero, our lives are full of drama, blaming other, feeling blamed or trying to fix others. Our bodies actually produce adrenaline and cortisol and lots of other stress hormones when we live lives full of drama. We may say we don’t like the drama but we stay stuck in these roles with no hope for getting out of the drama. Yet there is hope. Life can be different. There is a better alternative.

The Villain

The villain blames. “It’s all your fault and If it weren’t for you;” are two favorite phrases of the villain said with fingers pointing at victims. The villain accepts no responsibility because after all, l it is always someone else’s fault. Maleficent, a  new Disney movie starring Angelina Jolie and considered the Embodiment of Evil, is a great example of a villain blaming others for her problems. The villain often feels abusive and controlling to the victim. In a relationship, the villain does not see their significant other as an equal but as a victim either causing the problem or needing their help. Blame destroys relationships. 

The Victim

The victim whines.  Though not recommended many people deal with life changes as if they’re the victim, as if other people are doing this to them. (More on being a victim in my article Ten Ways to Live Life as a Victim.) The victim reminds me of Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh saying, “Why Bother.” In the victim place, we have no power. We have given away a part of ourselves for better or worse to be controlled by others. We are at the effect of what others want for us or expect from us. In the victim role, we are taking less than 100% responsibility for our lives.

The Hero

The hero helps when helping is neither requested nor desired. As a recovering people pleaser, this is my favorite spot on the drama triangle. Many of us have lived life as people pleasers. We are devoted to taking care of others and to doing what they expect of us. We are afraid to let other people down; in essence, we’ve taken more than a hundred percent responsibility for our life and for the lives of others. By heroing others, we’ve also tried to control them by getting them to do what we would like them to do, even if we feel it is in their best interest.

When we hero people, we don’t treat them as our equal. The Old Disney Knights in Shining Armor who saved that poor damsel in distress were misguided heroes. For decades we learned gender roles that were neither helpful to men nor women. Thank you to Disney for changing your pathetically helpless, yet pretty lasses to powerful young women in movies such as Brave and Frozen. To stop heroing, we need to treat each other with mutual respect and allow others to be totally themselves.

Thanks to the wonderful work of Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks where I received my coaching training, for their take on the Drama Triangle which I have found incredibly beneficial for changing clients approach to drama and relationships.  As a Life Coach, I support people in learning playful body centered tools to get out of the drama triangle and on with creating a life they love.

The Co-Creator

The Co-Creator takes 100% responsibility for his or her own life yet does not try to fix or change or blame others. The co-creator neither takes power away from others by being a villain or hero nor does the co-creator give up his or her power to others by living life as a victim. The co-creator can clearly ask for what he or she wants. In relationships, the co-creator creates healthy partnerships that are both nurturing and supportive. The co-creator strives to create win-win situations. Co-creators treat others as well as themselves with respect.

Do you Live Life On The Drama Triangle?

Most of us fall in and out of the drama triangle, the roles of villain, victim, and hero on a daily basis. We don’t need to get stuck there. We don’t have to live there. We can learn the skills to get out of the drama triangle just as easily as we fall in. We have a choice.  If you want life to be better, start by noticing whether you are stuck in villain, victim or hero. The co-creator lives in a world that is calm and peaceful, yet full of joy creativity and playfulness. Yes, it is possible and a wonderful place to be! Are you willing to commit to being the co-creator of your own life, your career, and your relationships?

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